I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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