Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i used baking grease as lip gloss
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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