she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
