I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
