I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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