Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
