Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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