With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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