Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
