the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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