The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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