How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Randomize
