Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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