I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
