My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
