I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
