dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
