We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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