I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
