You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
you will always have a special place in my vag
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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