I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
