My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
