Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
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