I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
