I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
