im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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