I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just pee around me
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
