They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
