it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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