You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
