..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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