just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
