I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
