My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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