this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
