ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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