We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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