can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
