The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize