i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I AM VODKA MAN
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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