No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
