Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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