Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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