The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
