I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize