So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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