the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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