I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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