the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
