PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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