It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
