he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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