I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
