Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
