My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
