I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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