I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm having to shit out rocks
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
