More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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