a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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