Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
