i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
