So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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