when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
he laminated a picture of his dick.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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