Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
