these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It's blow job season.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
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