I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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