If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
