There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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