Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
