if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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