If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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